Akatsuki Assemble
by lordkage
Summary: In an attempt to improve teamwork, Pein decides to force members into interacting with each other constructively. Unfortunately, things go insanely wrong.


Nagato sighed heavily, as he observed his Akatsuki ninja whining and arguing with each other. How the fuck was he supposed to capture the Bijuu, and create world peace if these fools kept bickering among themselves. He gritted his teeth, as he saw Kakuzu shove a so-called "religious" spear into Hidan's heart, only to scream in frustration as Hidan kept swearing. Deidara was screaming about art being an "EXPLOSION!", while Sasori looked inches away from adding the blonde to his puppet collection. The only pair that was actually cooperative was Itachi and Kisame, mainly because they had mutual respect for each other. Meanwhile, Konan snickered to the side, as Nagato started to get triggered.

It was then that Nagato made a certain decision, one that would forever change the Akatsuki. "SHUT UP YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!", he screamed in a very un-Nagato like way. Everyone was shocked. Kisame dropped his jaw, while Kakuzu stopped stabbing Hidan, who was ecstatically rubbing his ears, muttering about the "lovely pain". Deidara decided that Pein was louder than his artistic explosions while Sasori was glad he had a protective puppet shell. Konan and Zetsu, who had been the closest had put on headphones. The only person unaffected was Itachi, but then again, the last time he had shown emotion was when a new Pocky flavor came out.

"All you idiots do, is argue. As a result, I have decided that we will wait for three years to capture the jinchuriki. Within these three years, we will be improving partner to partner relationships. For now, you will begin by introducing your family to your partner. Failure will result in death." He subsequently ignored the screams of protest, as some said that they did not have families, while others said that they had killed their families.

Uchiha Sasuke was an organised individual. He always woke up at 5 am, went down to eat breakfast, and then began to train. He was also careful, with all his weapons kept near him. So when one morning, he heard voices in his kitchen, he quickly took his ninja gear, and stealthily made his way downstairs. He then peered into the kitchen using a mirror. Sasuke was shocked to say the least: his brother was calmly eating Pocky in his kitchen, while a shark man ate the last box of Frosties.

"Damn, this is good and free", grinned Kisame, as he swallowed an entire carton of milk.

Using his amazing ninja skills, Itachi was able to detect Sasuke. "Ah, Kisame, I would like you to meet my younger brother, Sasuke."

Seeing no point in hiding any longer, Sasuke charged, Sharingan on, and Chidori blazing. Shockingly enough, he went for Kisame first, who simply threw his chair at the genin, causing him to trip, and stab the lightning blade into the floor. Sasuke glared up at him. "YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! THAT'S MY FAVOURITE CEREAL!", and then as an afterthought, he turned to Itachi, "YOU! I'LL KILL YOU TOO! YOU KILLED MY CLAN!"

Turning to his partner, the Konoha nukenin, calmly stated, "As you can see he is overemotional. I fear he was dropped too many times on his head."

"Are you sure he's related to you?"

High above the skies of Sunagakure, flew a clay bird. Seated on it were Sasori and Deidara, the former of which was scanning the village for a certain house. When they located it, they dropped down on it from above, to avoid being detected. Unfortunately, they underestimated the strength of the roof, and Sasori's heavy puppet broke through.

As dust billowed around them, they were an intimidating sight. Deidara coughed a bit, and glared at his partner, who was responsible. "Your obese ass is the reason we fucking broke this house."

"Whatever. Let's just find my grandma."

"Um, Sasori?"

"What do you want you fake artist?"

"What are you standing on?"

Akasuna no Sasori stepped back, and realised he had fallen on his grandma. The old woman was groaning in pain, but she seemed to be alive, so he decided to introduce her to his fellow artist. "Greetings Baasan, long time no see. This is my partner Deidara, the Mad Bomber." The blonde waved a little to the half-dead old woman.

They were just about to leave, when an old voice spoke, "You!"

They turned around, and Sasori said, "Ah, it's you, grandma's brother, old man...Ebisu? Enpitsu?

"The name's Ebizo you idiot! And I'm going to kill you for molesting my sister. Because of you she is moaning on the floor."

"WHAT THE FUCK? WHY WOULD WE MOLEST A NINETY-YEAR-OLD WOMAN?" screamed Deidara.

"So, Hidan. Let's meet your family first."

"I sacrificed those fucking heathens to Jashin!" cackled Hidan. He then calmed down enough to say, "Wait. I have a distant cousin we can meet."

Jiraiya was giggling to himself, as he watched three naked women sexily rub each other's backs. He was just getting to the good part, when a voice broke him out of his fun. "Hey, Jiraiya! You old pervert!"

The Toad Sage turned around slowly, hoping it was not who he thought it was. Unfortunately, it was. "H-hey, Hidan. It's um, very good to see you." He then balked at the sight of his distant cousin in a cloak with red clouds, and another man wearing matching clothes. He slowly backed away, "Are you guys...Akatsuki?"

Kakuzu's eyes widened too. He began backing away. "Jiraiya, 125 million ryo, he will fuck us up. Hidan, you idiot, why the fuck did you bring us to Jiraiya? Now we're going to die!"

Hidan ignored his partner. "Bro, meet my partner Kakuzu!"


End file.
